Weekends are the saddest points in time...

... for a single man in his 40s.

All your married friends keep family commitments on the weekends. I've always thought it was rather cool that I had young single friends and married friends my own age. But the problem is with weekends... they can be the saddest and loneliest of times.

Your married friends, as I said, do married things on weekends. They do family things on weekends. They make commitments with other married couples on the weekends.

My single friends, most of whom are a good deal younger than me, they make other commitments on the weekends. They go to parties on the weekends. They date on the weekends. They have a life on the weekends.

I was married. That ended in failure.

I had a son. That ended.

And now I am 45 years old facing the rest of my life on this earth alone. I smile politely and make everyone else feel ok with my life. But there isn't much truth in that... it's a sad life on the weekends. Weekends are when all the demons come out to play. Friday night through Sunday are the days when my thoughts get the better of me.

Some would have me date and marry again. And while, I am not opposed to it, I am also not broken in my singleness. I am no more broken than a married man. But I'm just as broken as a married man... broken before my Lord.

If I had money to spend, I guess I could medicate. But most of my free money goes to helping orphans around the globe.

For all my lousy, sad and depressing weekends. Orphans have a worse life ... worse, sometimes, than I dare to imagine.

Perspective... a good healthy perspective.

It helps. Sometimes.

The sadness, however, persists and the loneliness creeps in like smoke through the cracks of a chimney.

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'Quick Update!'

'Quick Update!'

The Hollywood LIe

Hollywood killed the hearts of men and women by making them believe a lie. Happily ever after does not exist and yet I find myself drawn to movies with happy endings.

Part of me dreams of finding a very special woman who would not only love all the things I love in life, but be a supporter of my passion to help the 144 million orphans around the globe. I dream, sometimes when I'm alone at night, that I meet a woman in unusual circumstances and we end up in a kind of love only found on the big screen.

The latest woman I've fallen for this way was Sarah Ferguson... yes the Duchess of York. Before her (and still a dream) is Rachel Weiss... growing up, it was Jane Seymour. Perhaps its something about British women that I find wonderfully fascinating.

Hollywood love only exists on the screen... and what hope is there for a man like me in my mid-40s to find someone to spend the rest of my time on earth with.

And then, some days I'm glad I'm alone... without being lonely.

Life is funny... except I'm not laughing.

Potential Delusions of Grandeur

There is no other name for it... I suffer from life-long potential delusions of grandeur (or PDG as I like to call it).

I don't think more highly of myself as some cocky humans do around the planet... in fact, just the opposite. But along side of that, I feel as if there is a potential to be great or to do great things for mankind.

I love the fact that throughout man's history, God delights in taking ordinary (or less than ordinary) people and leading them to do great things for Him. When I watch Doctor Who, I get the same sense. The Doctor-character comes along side everyday people... the kind of people you wouldn't think twice about... and they become the most important people in the whole history of the whole history.

That, perhaps, is why I find myself drawn to watching Doctor Who and reading about it. It gives me hope... almost as much hope as the Bible. (And to be truthful, sometimes more hope.) Growing up I watched Doctor Who... before I read one word out of the Bible, there was the Doctor influencing my life.

In some ways, I see how God used that escapism of the Doctor to lead me to Him. I won't go into the psychology of it all, but it's there... in me.

Yesterday I thought about writing small diary that's 10 years out... when I'm in my 50s (insert large gulp here). But I thought about what my life would be like. I'll be working around the globe with orphans in ways I cannot even imagine. Orphan World Relief will be helping millions of orphans all over the globe.

It is hard to picture sometimes with how things are right now. But it's there. And without my case of PDG, I wouldn't get off the couch. I'd go to my 9-5 job and go through life an ordinary human being. But there's no such thing... in the Lord there is so much potential. The tiniest amount of faith can cause a man to move mountains.

What will my future hold? Well, I always hope for better... not a life-style wish but a wish to be making a difference.

We've just entered 2010... a full decade into this century.

Here's to my potential in the Lord. In the TARDIS of my mind I might just nip ahead and take a look.

Traveling Through Time And Space

There are times I've considered hiding clues in different places around the earth telling someone in the future that I was there... with the hopes that the person would have a TARDIS and could come to that point in time and visit me from the future.

It's funny how much of a phenomenon Doctor Who is around the globe. I've been more than a fan since the 1970s. I say, "more than a fan" because it has saved my life on more than one occasion -- literally.

I used to pray that I could have a TARDIS to take me away from the world around me. I was never happy as a child... I'm not always thrilled with life as an adult if the truth be known. I know God on a personal level these days so I am filled with hope for the life to come ... it keeps me going. But I've always searched for my purpose in life... searched for something more by helping people on a massive scale.

I used to write stories (and still do from time to time) involving myself and a few others in adventures around the universe. I actually pulled in a number of different plots, television shows and movies into one huge adventure that I called life. There were times when that life was more real and more important to me than the one I lived.

Who knows... perhaps now that I'm actually putting text out into cyberspace, someone from the far future will see this and show up to help me see life in a different way.

This past Christmas I bought a small charm for my phone (I actually bought one for a friend and liked it so much that I bought it for myself). It's a small TARDIS that rotates with blue lights whenever I get a message or the phone rings.

I think I did all this so that I wouldn't be lonely. Maybe I need to continue writing... not that it will solve my problems, but there is a sense that the loneliness subsides when I'm in the other world with the Doctor and friends saving people around the universe in multiple times and places.

So here I am Doctor. at 11:03 pm in Columbus, Ohio. I could use a visit tonight.

Time Flies - Almost Two Years

It has almost been two years since my son's passing.

I'm amazed at how certain periods of time are crystalized in your mind like a perfect diamond. December 13th 2007...very early in the morning. My phone had been on vibrate and when it rang, it vibrated off the shelf and into a pile of laundry.

The voicemail was my son's saying he loved me and saying goodbye.

I can hear his voice in my head to this day. I remember with vivid clarity the laundry basket of clothes... and then nothing until I was outside of his apartment. The police and emergency squad had arrived before me and taken Richie to OSU Hospital's emergency room.

His funeral was the coldest day in living memory.

His life ... I still celebrate.